Alphabet Boys
This is the most experimental piece I have written and perhaps won't be to everybody's taste - it is a bit ridiculous. The script started as an attempt to imagine what a conversation between boys talking about a girl might be like, but it ended up being word play. I am often more focused on plot and character, but this time, I had more fun with the language of it all. Originally, the boys had no names; make them your own or even people you know. To make it more easily understood, they now have letters assigned to them (boring, but clear). Unlike my other work, this completely rejects any sense of seriousness - please read it as such!
Freya Carolyn
8/7/20252 min read
A - ‘So there’s this girl…’
B - ‘Finally, mate. 19 years old and you haven’t even kissed a girl. Especially when you’re as built as you are.’
C - ‘Huh, you’re finally coming out.’
B- ‘Shut the fuck up.’
A - ‘Guys, no. Not like that. I don’t like her like that. But she definitely likes me.’
C - ‘Ego, much?’
A - ‘Truth, much.’
B - ‘What makes you so sure?’
A - ‘She was flirting with me at this social thing.’
B - ‘Flirting? How?’
A - ‘She dragged her hand down my chest.’
C - ‘Fairs, she’s got it bad.’
A - ‘But she’s… short and strange. I barely know her.’
B - ‘You could get to know her? If you can handle the short.’
C - ‘I think that’s cute.’
B - ‘Yeah, what do you want? Slenderman?’
A - ‘She’s way too short for me. Kind of like a toad?’
B - ‘A toad?’
A - ‘Yeah, she’s nice, I suppose, but-’
C - ‘Nice! If that’s all he can say about her, she is cooked.’
B - ‘Just ignore her, mate.’
A - ‘She keeps texting me.’
C - ‘Send her a text telling her to fuck off.’
A - ‘No, that’s mean.’
C - ‘Okay, send her a bird. I got a pigeon back home if you want.’
A - ‘No, too slow. Medieval as well. I’m a modern man.’
C - ‘Modern as in won’t fuck every girl he talks to?’
A - ‘I’m futuristic, then.
B - ‘What does she look like anyway?’
A - ‘Here. I’ve got a photo somewhere in the cloud.’
B - ‘Ugh, that takes so long to get, though. Do you think he’ll be gone for long?’
C - ‘Eh, 20 minutes max. He’s pretty fast.’
B - ‘20,000 feet though.’
C - ‘Let’s go and get some cereal.’
-
C - ‘He’s coming back. Considering he doesn’t like this girl, he’s going to some lengths to show us what she looks like.’
A - ‘Look. See, short.’
B - ‘What do you have against short people?’
A - ‘Nothing. I just don’t want a short girl. I like them leggy.’
B - ‘Leggy. That’s disgusting. And she’s pretty.’
A - ‘She’s okay. Oh, guess who her dad is?’
C - ‘The king of Liechtenstein.’
A - ‘Exactly! How did you know?’
C - ‘Gut instinct.’
B - ‘It would be a crazy opportunity to pass her up. She’s got that blue blood.’
A - ‘Nah, I’m not fussed. And her… you know.’
B - ‘Her what?’
A - ‘Her… you know.’
C - ‘No, we really don’t know.’
A - ‘Ugh, come on. You know, her assets are a little beignet.’
B - ‘Beignet? Delicious sweet pastry sprinkled with sugar?’
A - ‘Well, yeah…’
B - ‘That only sounds like a positive.’
A - ‘I mean, they’re a bit small.’
B - ‘Oh. Euphemisms are not your thing, Tom/Jim/Max/Ben/James.’
A - ‘I’ll stick to science.’
C - ‘I say you blank her. Easy let down.’
A - ‘Isn’t that mean?’
C - ‘Nah, most people are doing an arrow to the heart now anyway.’
B - ‘Or the brain.’
A - ‘Why the brain?’
B - ‘Mess with the mind a bit. Ruin the confidence, make her lose her sense of self.’
A - ‘Oh. I guess I’ll air her then.’
B - ‘Yeah. Make sure it’s oxygen, though. My mate got it confused with hydrogen the other day.’
A - ‘Good reminder. I’ll write it down. O-X-Y-G-E-N.’
C - ‘Okay, now that’s sorted, we got a match to watch!’
A - ‘Shit, yeah, the last one burnt out pretty fast though.’